Lately I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness of self. I am learning to forgive myself when I fall short of my expectations. I am learning to forgive myself when I make a mistake or do not follow through on something I said I would. I think sometimes it is much easier for me to be accepting and forgiving of others than it is to accept and forgive myself. Even with this journey, I have found myself feeling stressed because I have missed a day or two on this 30 Day Challenge, but this journey should not be stressful. This challenge is meant to be an exercise in love, not an exercise in perfection. If I believe in authenticity, then these struggles are just part of the process. I would rather talk openly and honestly about my struggles than pretend that life is perfect. Oh the irony: I hate perfection yet secretly strive for it.
But on a deeper level, I think I have been questioning my intentions with this challenge lately. I constantly focus on the need to lose weight. I always fall for some scheme that I think will get me to where I want to be, which is thinner. I have tried diets, prayer, meditation, different exercise plans and so much more. Maybe I thought that by starting this journey, I would find inner peace and magically I would drop 40+ pounds. I have always been fascinated by stories of people who lose weight. There always seems to be some “ah ha” moment that motivates them to change their life. They experience a shift in perspective that changes their relationship with food. I think I was hoping that love and acceptance would ultimately change my relationship with food. But then if my secret hope is to lose weight, then loving myself is not the ultimate goal. If I am working to love myself with some ulterior motive in mind, then am I really authentically doing the work to find peace, love, and healing? Or am I going through the motions to find acceptance with a condition attached (i.e. I will only love myself if/when X, Y, and Z happens)? I love and accept others no matter their size, so why do I find it so hard to love and accept myself no matter my size?
These are questions I am asking right now. Is my life really that horrible because I am 40+ pounds overweight? The truth is that my life is pretty great. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept all of me. What if I do not lose one single pound going forward? Is my weight really what is stopping me from loving life and experiencing all that I have been created to be or do or enjoy? No. My weight is not the real issue. My perspective on my weight is the issue. And this is where my brain gets a little fried when I think about being overweight: I want to accept myself, but I also want to be healthy and I know that carrying a significant amount of extra weight can have negative effects on my health. But I think focusing on the negative impact of my weight is just another way to beat myself up: if you love yourself, you will eat whole foods and lose weight and be healthy.
Gosh, I am so tired of this same mental discussion. I have wasted so much mental energy on this problem.
Kelly Marie (using middle name for extra attention grabbing emphasis), woman up and get over this sh*t once and for all. You are awesome. Forgive your faults, including that bag of candy you ate earlier today, and celebrate the beautiful, smart, incredible woman you are! Can I get an AMEN?!
#IAMENOUGH #lovethyself #30DayLoveChallenge