Nothing like beautiful spring flowers to make a rainy day a little brighter. The picture above was taken on my walk to work. I do not even know where to start this post, so I thought I would start with flowers. My emotions are all over the place today. This week has been a rough one. My partner and I have still not had a chance to talk after our big fight last weekend. He is beyond busy and I am working on being more supportive than needy, but I feel needy. I want him to give me a hug and reassure me that everything is ok and that I am loved. But why do I need this reassurance so badly? What he needs right now is space and time to get a big project accomplished. Focusing is hard for him (I kind of think he has adult attention deficit disorder). What he needs from his partner (me) is love and space to focus. What I need is love, verbal or written reassurance, and time together. But when I am in a place of peace and confidence, I do not need those things from him because I trust that he loves me. Our fighting usually stems from me accusing him that he does not love me, him getting mad because he tries to show me his love daily (he provides acts of service and gifts, but I usually need time and verbal affirmation), and then when he gets stressed, he is sensitive and easily annoyed by me (particularly he is annoyed by my neediness), which makes him cranky and withdraw, and his withdrawal makes me more needy and seek attention. *deep breath*
On top of fighting with my partner, I have also hit a bunch of roadblocks this week to obtaining an internship in counseling, which I am finding that I am taking personally. On top of that, I went to get a massage as an act of self-care, and the masseuse used deep tissue massage, which felt good in the moment, but left my back literally bruised and painful to the touch this week. I have literally felt beat up on from all angles: physically, mentally, and emotionally. *deep breath*
Life is really ok. I have shelter, food, a job, friends and family who love me and who I love deeply, I am healthy, I have the ability to see, walk/run, swim, bike, think clearly, and so much more. One thing I am really good at is “slippery slope” thinking. In other words, I jump quickly to conclusions that may not be very accurate, such as believing that I should not be a counselor because I cannot find an internship (truthfully, I am late in the process and some of the reason I am getting turned down is because of my limited availability).
A good friend of mine got me the 52 Lists for Happiness book. I was working on a list of “things that I am really good at” and thought about my friend Mari‘s recent question to me about finding my purpose. She asked me what I loved to do and what my earliest memories were, so as I was working on my list of what I am good at, I started to also think about ways in my past that these talents have manifested. For example, I wrote down that I am good at being a cheerleader. I have always cheered people on to pursue their dreams, whether that is finishing a half marathon or going back to school to get a degree. One of my favorite things about when I worked for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team In Training program was cheering participants on during their races. I would scream their name as they ran or walked past me on the half/full marathon course, and I could see them smile and develop a little pep in their step that was not there before. I would LOVE to be a professional cheerleader (not the short-skirt wearing, super flexible, pompom shaking kind). Maybe a better word is champion: When people have doubts, I fight for them and cheer them on to believe in themselves and to keep going. I am good at being a champion for others. (Alright, yes, I know what you are thinking: “Gee Kelly, maybe you need to learn to use that skill on yourself and be your own champion.” I am working on it. This blog is part of that process.)
As mentioned before, I am beautiful. I am strong. I have a purpose. I am enough.
#IAMENOUGH #lovethyself #30dayLoveChallenge